To save a marriage that Is falling apart is a crucial situation one can find himself or herself in. In your situation, you’re probably not doing very well. You are afraid of having to accept a huge loss. That loss is probably mostly in your partner. But children, homeownership, and loss of status can also be other reasons for wanting to save a marriage.
Maybe something like this has happened to you before:
You are studying for an exam and are well prepared. Still, you’re really nervous about not being able to pass it. In the test, it then happens Blackout. failed! Your fear has come true. This phenomenon is called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The same can happen to you in your partnership. You actually want to save a marriage that Is falling apart but are so afraid of the end of the relationship that you almost inevitably head towards it. What you can do is contradictory to your actual goal. But it often works.
Points to help save your marriage
Accept possible separation. But how?
By accepting a possible breakup, you stop feeding your fear energy into the breakup thought. This makes it weaker and less likely to occur. This can help you save your marriage.
“But how are you supposed to accept that?” That’s nice to say, but nobody ever reveals how it’s supposed to work – acceptance. Incidentally, this is because most of them do not know it themselves.
- “Just accept it!”
- “Let it go.”
- “Have no fear!”
- “You don’t need to be angry.”
We have all heard these sayings 1000 times. But they are of no use unless you know how to accept, let go, etc.
In order to accept, we need to control our emotions. But they don’t play according to the rules of logic. You play by the rules of psycho-logic.
I will now give you a step-by-step guide on how to invalidate the self-fulfilling prophecy. That will ask a lot of you. If it gets too intense for you, I recommend the support of a coach. Now for the instructions. Take about 30 minutes and do the exercise in writing and undisturbed:
- What’s the worst thing that can happen to your marriage?
- Imagine it actually happens. How do you feel?
- Now feel where this feeling is in your body (in the chest? In the stomach?)
- What does this feeling do? Just observe it without wanting to change it. (Does it pulsate? Does it spin? Does it vibrate? Does it push?)
- Observe the feeling without interfering – until it noticeably changes and flattens out. If you should stray, return to the feeling.
- If you should have difficulties with the implementation, let me guide you.
- Imagine again if your marriage was definitely falling apart and there was nothing you could do about it. What is there to settle?
- How would things go for you then?
- Play through this scenario for yourself – in detail. Think ahead into the future until you have a new partner again.
Playing through such a separation is certainly not a nice thought.However, the practice can also help you understand emotionally that even a breakup is not the end of the world.
It keeps going. Recognizing this often provides emotional relaxation. This removes the breeding ground for the self-fulfilling prophecy and you regain room for maneuver.
Taking energy away from the self-fulfilling prophecy doesn’t mean it can’t happen anyway. Relationships are too complex to predict. However, if you fail to save your marriage, you already have a plan of action.
Nothing is taken for granted
My favorite Marriage Saving Tip is not to take your partner for granted. You can see that it’s not him, otherwise, there would be no threat of separation. If the relationship seems secure, it’s easy to forget that. The partner is taken for granted and treated accordingly.
At the beginning of a relationship, when the partnership is not yet solid, a lot of attention is paid to shaping the relationship. In this phase, we know that he or she could decide differently.
In fact, both partners can decide differently at any time. He could also die in a car accident tomorrow. Then sentences like:
“I thought this only ever happened to others.”
The thought of self-evidence is more than fragile. You’re probably realizing that these days. Not taking him or her for granted means changing your worldview, so keep asking yourself:
“How would I act if I didn’t take my partner for granted?”
If you want to save your marriage, it takes regular awareness so that these thoughts can become a new habit. By keeping it in mind, you plant a new habit.
Work on the causes
There are certainly reasons why your partner wants to separate. These can be:
- too different views or misunderstandings
- too much argument
- emotional distance
The main cause of marital problems is the fact that the partners have never been clear about what they actually want from each other.
What do you want from your spouse?
If you don’t think about it seriously now but are tempted to just keep reading, your mind is trying to dissuade you from taking a closer look at yourself.
Did you gain a little more clarity by answering the question?
You can also send the question to your partner to think about. Then share it with an attitude of curiosity. You may be surprised that your partner probably wants something very different from marriage than you do.
Step out of everyday drama.
There is a secret pattern that leads to relationship drama. By drama, I mean that everyone involved will at least have bad feelings at the end. But it could also be bruises or a divorce attorney.
This secret pattern is called the Drama Triangle. The psychological direction of Transactional Analysis discovered it.
The nasty thing about this pattern is that it happens unconsciously between two people. The three roles are:
- Each of the partners contributes something to the drama and starts out in a role: coming off work and not helping around the house (sacrifice for not taking responsibility). She sees it as her job to put the food on the table, although she doesn’t really feel like it.
- After a while there is a role change: she has had enough and she addresses her husband: “I always have to do everything!”
Both feel bad. The drama was once created
What’s even more problematic about this destructive triangle is that it only gets stronger over time.
Conclusion
If you want to save a marriage that Is falling apart, follow the above tips and see whether this works for you. Accept to walk this journey despite what has happened in the past and see if your marriage can be salvaged.
