… and knew it from the beginning. “Our author wanted to realize the dream of marriage and family happiness with her husband. She ignored the voice of her heart
Monotonous activities have an advantage: thoughts can flow. As I take book after book from the shelf in the living room and put them in moving boxes, I think about what happened: I broke up with Kai *. Kai – my husband, the father of my two-year-old son Simon. I’m moving my little one into a new apartment in a week. What remains is Kai, a semi-detached house in the countryside and the dream of happy family life. Father, mother, child – over. And I’m the one responsible for it. I hesitated for a long time before taking this step – mainly because of our son, whom I wanted to save the separation of his parents, which I had to experience myself as a child. But if I’m honest with myself, I have long suspected that Kai was the wrong man for me. There have been many warnings throughout our relationship. I ignored them all. From the beginning.
February 2005
“May I introduce you to my new roommate?”, My friend Annika asks me at her birthday party, and I – just recently separated from my long-term friend – think: Wow. That glow, the beautiful dark eyes, the broad shoulders. “What a man,” I say to Annika. She raises an eyebrow. “Stupid,” she says. I ignore her remark and do not leave Kai’s side. After an hour we exchange numbers, arrange to meet at the cinema one day later and end up in bed two weeks later. The sex is not great. Lukewarm instead of hot. This irritates me. But when I drive back to my apartment the morning after, I criticize myself for my exaggerated expectations: We have to get used to each other first. And as for his apartment – the terrycloth sheets, the clutter, and the action movie posters on the wall – I can manage that. That’s why he likes to travel as much as I do, I tell myself. And put the doubts aside.
June 2005
For the second time, the warning signs light up a short time later. I’m falling in love and I want more time to myself. I ask Kai to rest for a few days. He says goodbye offended – and calls again 24 hours later. I am deeply impressed that a man should try so hard for me. And so I put the concern in the farthest corner of my head.
April 2006
Why pay for two apartments when you always stay with the other anyway? We’re moving in together, I’m settling in because Kai is not interested in it – and enjoying the peace that has come into my life with him. “It’s so wonderfully easy with him,” I say to my father on the phone. “Well, every relationship doesn’t have to be a big one,” he replies.
A year later, Kai is sitting across from me at breakfast in pajamas and casually says that “we could actually get married”. I gasp, thank you for the compliment, and ask for time to think it over. After a few days, my mind won the battle between my stomach and my head: “You are afraid of commitment!”, It dictates my feelings. “He looks good, he has a heart of gold and he adores you. He is: the perfect husband and father!” So I say yes – with reservations. 1. I will keep my name. 2. I don’t want to get married right away.
September 2007
On one of our evenings with a good bottle of wine, Kai asks me if, as a child, I wouldn’t have found it strange to address my parents by the first name. No, I answer. And that I don’t want to tell my children how to address me later. Kai disagrees: Children should have a “mom” and a “dad”, he insists – and in no time we are arguing violently. Later, in bed, I lie awake next to him for a long time. The way he has just got lost in what I consider to be a bourgeois ideal – that wasn’t a bit easy anymore.
April 2008
I was seven months pregnant when I decided: Now we can confidently get married, after all, the child will bond us for a lifetime anyway. While having coffee I tell my friend Annika about my decision. “But you have a crush,” she says hesitantly. She is right. I flirt a lot – not with the man I want to marry, but with a colleague with whom I text myself. “Doesn’t that happen to everyone before the wedding?” I joke. And think: Now you can’t go back. Three weeks later, we are officially married in close family circles.
