I’m 34 years old, married, and I have two daughters. My parents divorced almost nine years ago, but sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday because my mother still talks about my father all the time. He moved on and remarried, but she never really did. I love my mother and I feel bad saying this, but her anger toward my father has become a problem in my own family, especially now that she is trying to involve my children.
My parents never had a peaceful marriage. My mother has always had a strong temper, while my father was quiet and usually avoided arguments. I’m not saying he was a perfect husband because I was their daughter and I obviously didn’t know everything that happened between them. But from what I remember, my mother was usually the one who mentioned divorce whenever they had a serious fight. She would tell Dad she was tired of him and maybe they should separate. Usually he would apologize, calm her down, and things would eventually return to normal.
Then one day they had another argument and my mother brought up divorce again. This time my father didn’t try to change her mind. He simply told her that if divorce was really what she wanted, he would agree. I think she expected him to apologize and beg her to reconsider like before. Instead, he packed some things and stayed with a relative. Eventually, they went through with the divorce. My mother had been the one asking for it, but the way she talks about it now, you would think my father suddenly abandoned her.
About two years later, my father met another woman. I’ll call her Laura. He eventually married her, and they are still together. Laura has always been respectful toward me and never tried to replace my mother. As far as I know, she didn’t even know my father while my parents were married. My mother doesn’t believe that. She calls Laura a homewrecker and insists there must have been something happening before the divorce. Whenever I remind her that Dad met Laura afterward, she tells me I’m naive or that I’m taking his side.
For years, I tried to stay out of their problems. I have my own husband, children, and life. But my mother calls whenever she feels lonely or upset, and somehow the conversation always comes back to my father. She talks about how unfair it is that he has a wife and a happy life while she is still alone. If I tell her I’m busy or don’t want to talk about Dad, she gets offended and sometimes says, “You’re just like your father. You only think about yourself.” Even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, hearing that still makes me feel guilty.
A few months ago, things became worse when my mother found Laura’s social media account. I have no idea how she found it, but she started checking it regularly and sending me screenshots. She would criticize Laura’s clothes, hair, smile, and almost anything else she could find. At first I ignored her because I thought she would eventually get tired of it.
Instead, she started asking me to participate. She wanted me to leave laughing reactions or sarcastic comments under Laura’s pictures. I refused. I told her I’m a grown woman with children and I’m not going to insult somebody online because of a divorce that happened years ago. She immediately accused me of defending Laura.
Then she crossed a line I wasn’t expecting. She suggested that my oldest daughter could leave a negative comment on Laura’s page because people wouldn’t suspect a child was doing it intentionally. I couldn’t believe she was serious. I told her very clearly that my children were not going to be involved in problems between adults and that she should never ask them to do something like that again. She became offended and didn’t speak to me for several days.
Last week, my father and Laura went on a short vacation. Laura posted a few pictures of them smiling near the water. My mother saw them and called me immediately. She sent me the pictures and started criticizing Laura’s appearance. Then she told me to leave an insulting comment under the post. When I refused, she asked me to at least leave a laughing reaction. Again, I said no.
That’s when she asked why I cared more about Laura’s feelings than my own mother’s. I tried to explain that it wasn’t about choosing Laura over her. I simply didn’t want to hurt someone who hadn’t done anything to me. My mother started crying and talking about how she had spent the best years of her life with my father while he was now traveling and enjoying himself with another woman. Then she said, “If you really loved your mother, you would do this one little thing for me.”
That sentence stayed with me because it is never just one little thing. First, she wanted me to listen to her complain about my father. Then she wanted me to agree with her. Then she expected me to hate his wife. Now she wants me to publicly insult her and even involve my children.
My husband thinks this has gone too far. He says whatever happened between my parents belongs to them and we shouldn’t allow my mother to pass her resentment down to our daughters. He thinks I should tell her that Dad and Laura are no longer topics we will discuss. He’s also uncomfortable with our daughters being alone with my mother for now because she already tried to involve one of them.
Part of me thinks that sounds harsh because my mother really is lonely. She doesn’t have many close friends, rarely goes anywhere, and doesn’t seem interested in meeting new people. If she’s lonely, she calls me. If she’s angry, she calls me. If she sees something about Dad online, she calls me. Somewhere along the way, I think I became responsible for carrying all of her feelings.
A few days ago, I finally told her, “Mom, I love you, but I’m not going to fight Dad for you.”
She said she had never asked me to fight him. I reminded her that she wanted me and my daughter to insult his wife online. Then I asked her what Laura had actually done to her. She couldn’t give me an answer. She just started talking about my father again.
I reminded her that they were already divorced when he met Laura. She became quiet and said, “So you really are on his side.”
I told her I’m not on anybody’s side. I’m her daughter, but I’m also my father’s daughter. I shouldn’t have to hurt one parent to prove that I love the other.
She hung up on me.
Later, she sent me a message saying maybe one day I would understand what betrayal feels like. I didn’t answer. Part of me feels relieved by the silence, but another part feels guilty because I know she’s lonely. I want her to make friends, find hobbies, travel, meet someone, or talk to someone who can help her work through everything she still feels about the divorce. But I’m finally realizing that I can’t build a new life for her.
What worries me most now is my daughters. I don’t want them growing up believing that loving someone means joining their grudges or helping them hurt people they dislike. I love my mother, and I understand that she may still be hurt, but I don’t think supporting her means helping her take revenge on my father or his wife.
So now I’m wondering what other people would do. Would you tell your mother that your father and his wife are completely off-limits as conversation topics? And after she tried to involve your child, would you still feel comfortable leaving your children alone with her? Where would you draw the line between supporting a lonely parent and allowing that parent to control you with guilt?
